"my poop tastes like tuna again? how come it doesn't hurt then? man dude, i'm a real juggalo. seriously. so i put my puss in a box of water and sucked that thing. my candy muscle doesn't really taste like candy..... it's all salty and it moves in my face when i stick it in my face just like how dirty chicken is when i skrue it! i am the rider of their long brown dreams. i like it when after i wash my clothes and put on some hot fresh undies, i feel a little tickle down there, and i reach down and grab around till i find this one, like 3 foot long lady hair, all wrapped around my lap and such, and i start to pull it real slow, and i can feel it ticklin from here to helvetica, all slidin around like that clown whistle noise. how are you?! today i climbed into a large silk robe and paraded back and forth across the living room. does that make you wet? speaking of your thrusty little bitch box, my swim team made it to finals!! if we beat orting tomorrow, we'll definitely go to state! i went to the WTO protests and i got away with murder!! 3 times!! i shot two cops and i lit a bum on fire! no i didn't. you are sooo horny! does that mean i have to be nice to you or can i still flip you over, grab a fistful of your beaver pelt and ride that pussy like the last rodeo ranger under the harvest moon, howlin "every cowboy needs a horse, needs a horse, needs a horse..and he needs some shiny spurs, shiny spurs, shiny spurs...and he's gotta have a hat, have a hat, have a hat...if he wants to keep ridin, ridin, a'loooonnnnngggggg." when i die. when i drown. when i am no more. when this is past and everything is totally dumb. totally old and ignorant. when old ladies walk down the street and yell "DAMB". what the fuck. why the fucking street again?! why the wake up. why this dull shit. sometimes i will play with you, but then sometimes, if you catch me off guard, i might forget that you are probably just gonna play with me, and i'll pull out my magical wand and show the world what rainbows REALLY are. here is your god my friend. look here, in my hand.... do you see it? this little blue ball? sometimes i'm all "jesus, if you just let me get thru this i'll never shave anything AGAIN!!!" but then i end up not even caring (makes a sad face). i will pull and stretch your fleshy beaver down and around your body so that you are doing the extended asian splits, then i will pull farther and pin it up at the top so you look like a big pink tennis ball. then i'll make love to you but you wont know that its me because you'll be all tucked inside your labia majora, and i'll get some old guy to make horny old guy noises so you think its some old guy. then i'll set you on a red ant hill. like um, surreal porn, where some dude is like stroking his schlong with a fish, and then a retarded boy floats past, looking at you all crazy with that half-wit glare, and then the fish crawls inside the urethra and the dude takes a wet piece of cake out of his pocket and starts gently stroking his schlong with it, and then the retarded boy floats by upside down, but now he is scared, and there's no noise the whole time......" -Matt

"Am I a long brown dream? How do you know I am an amputee?! Those were roofies disguised as goat dung, weren't they??!! i have been having this problem with your tits lately. they make me feel all ambivalent. i still love touching your tea bag with my tongue. that's not all i love...... i love: dander mudhole nits limerick prudery hoosiers dwindle brimstone -and- tomfoolery. Gynecology is the science of inspiration. We maintain a degree of womanly health in order to properly titillate and prosper. All of the below the feminine metaphorical belt mechanisms are returned to a condition of law and order and abided by ruefully by all things considered mainly to assure that our assets are not ascertained by means unholy. i play leapfrog with unicorns. i put dijonaisse in my cooter and it turns into a frothing gash, then i slip in some sutures if my fingers aren't nimble enough to french braid the pube hairs into the back hairs. slippery belt. chastity pelt. (the 6 blue lips of woman) Nobody cares if my muff is little like a midget, huh? It is sickening. i better go take a shower. i hope the egg yolks come out of my chest hair, because last night i dreamt that the liger flew off with the stick gatherer again, but when i awoke i knew that the liger was merely a manifestation of my fears of what could exist if we allowed joan lunden and joan osbourne to form the four way star of mylanta with johnny carson and carson daly. and the stick gatherer represented the honest, good people. these mediological allegories will not stop me! oh no! i will learn from the ways they try to keep us down! that's right! and you should too! all of you! REMEMBER: let the music of love and merriment ring true through your souls and no one will ever be able to keep you out of anywhere ever again. Go, dust off your best strap-on chanastity tongue and start talking in the clean and pleasant manna in which you, as a highly skilled master of the english language, are meandt to. And I am a doctor, a science doctor. Science as in Flames And Fractals AND Periodic Tables of Elements. Doctor as in cutting people up and rearranging innards and rebuilding sphincters and administering medication...roofies and morphines. COLOSTOMIES, yummmmmmm. Got it dog? I'll stick an artificial anus in the anterior wall of any fool's abdomen. (licks lips) i am a REAL DOCTOR!!! I AM THE DOCTA!!! beware weak-minded scientolojizzeds trying to infiltrate a profession once solely prophesied by the kinds of bitches that never minded, and actually quite like, a good splattering of human blood on a long white coat. Do you know how many f'in bone-scans I had to give to get the decoder ring???!!!" -Kimya